I. am. not. alone.

Yesterday I was feeling very alone in this process. I think it’s from going through the “With Eyes Wide Open” workbook with my home study social worker. It sucks to not have a support person there with me, discussing the questions, discussing possible solutions, etc. There are parts of the book that downright scare the crap out of me and make me question whether or not I can really do this.

I know that the point of the book is to make me think and to prepare me for the worst and my social worker has been pretty good about calming my fears, but this is her first go with the book as well and she doesn’t have all the answers...I’m her trial run to see if she should require it for all of her home studies.

Then this happened two days ago…I had ordered munchkin’s crib bedding and it arrived in the mail earlier this week. Yes, I know it’s early in the game and yes, I know that my paperwork hasn’t been sent to China. However, I also know that my Dad is coming to visit me in a couple of months and he is going to help me paint the nursery…he might not be back to see me before she comes home (he lives in New Zealand). The thing is, I was told by someone close to me “don’t you think your jumping the gun a bit?” translation - you shouldn’t be buying things yet.

Maybe I am, but as Connie mentioned a few days ago buying things is a way to keep it real and yep, I'd have to say it helps keep it real for me as well. I’m not pregnant and I don’t feel any different, yet I am practically turning myself inside out to prove that I am worthy to parent a child on paper RIGHT NOW. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next year...right now…it’s real to me now. It’s consuming. I would imagine the thought of a baby would be consuming for someone who is pregnant…what makes it any different for me? Instead of 9 months it’ll be 15 months (knocking on wood), instead of a big belly I’ll have a photo…big damn deal.

I try to keep my friends and family informed of what’s going on and I know that they support me 100%, but it’s just not the same as being IN the process….going through the interviews, filling out the paperwork, having so many people analyze everything about my life, seeing it all on paper, writing the checks, drawing blood, medical exams, fingerprints, background checks, wondering if after ALL this someone will just say “nice try, you are not worthy”...sigh...

Anyway, my point is that I no longer feel alone. I am starting to see and feel the power of the internet and the adoption community that resides within it. I feel connected to other waiting families who are experiencing the same feelings as I and I am grateful to have the support…thank you.