Thursday, March 15, 2007

Just sittin' around waiting...

I’m over it. My chipper, cheery, everything happens for a reason, be patient attitude is gone. I get it now. I’m now a “waiting” family and it’s not that much fun.

When I was knee deep in paperwork, I was thinking all things adoption ALL THE TIME. It was all things baby and I really felt like a Mom to be. I enjoyed buying things, thinking about life after I brought her home, reading books and blogs, and discussing my adoption with others.

I would read the blogs…oh, the moaning and groaning about the wait and this and that and I would think well, how hard can the wait be? At least their paperwork is IN China and registered with the CCAA...I can’t even start waiting until the paperwork is there. At the time, my idea of the wait was the easy part of this process. Seriously, I would read blogs and wonder why everyone was so pissed off.

Yeah, not so much anymore. I get it now, I really do. The wait sucks. You know what really sucks? Every month the wait keeps getting longer and longer, so I don’t feel like I’m any closer to the end result (but I must be...right?). I feel myself pulling away from the process in a weird sort of way. Now I find myself not wanting to talk about my adoption. The whole thing just doesn’t feel real anymore. I am no longer buying baby clothes. I am no longer reading, planning, plotting. The stroller I purchased for last month’s “big” item is still sitting in the entry way, in its big huge box - untouched. My parenting magazines are stacking up nicely, unread. I am no longer hitting RQ on a daily basis. The door to the babe’s room is closed.

Maybe this is my way of dealing with it. Pretend it’s not there and the time will fly by…yeah right. Maybe I’m just trying to protect myself. I’m scared. Scared that something is going to happen and I won’t be able to see this through to the end. Is my paperwork really grandfathered in? Will my paperwork make it through the review room? It’s all so uncertain and I think it just freaks me out.

The thing is, I think about my babe every day and silently watch the days go by one by one…until the 13th of the month when I get excited for a moment (ok, the whole day and probably the day after) that the blog ticker has changed.

All around me are new mothers.
New mothers whose babies they are with now.
New mothers who don’t recognize that I too am a mom to be - - just a different type.
New mothers who don’t know that when I look at their babies, all I think about is my baby and wonder how on earth someone could leave a little being this size on the side of the road or wherever, abandoned, with no one to look after her.

And here I sit, just waiting.

4 Comments:

Blogger Kristen said...

Ditto! I get it now too....

5:15 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

I can't speak for everyone, but I am pretty certain that most of us have felt these same exact feelings. The lack of control, I think, is one of the biggest problems.

Vent away. I understand that it is hard to be positive all of the time.

5:53 PM  
Blogger Mark & Michelle said...

I totally get the detachment thing. I feel it too. I was so worried about 'piquing' too early.

Everyone expects us to have our baby in a couple of months and when I say "no years" their eyes kinda glaze over and they don't know what to say to that.

I am up and down with the wait...

7:42 PM  
Blogger Donna said...

The wait does suck, no doubt about it. So go ahead and feel crummy about it from time to time. You're entitled!

6:20 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home